"You're lazy. It's ok, I love you anyway."
"He thinks you are lazy."
"I do more than you."
"You get to have breaks in between your duties, like between work and being at home with us, and I don't"
"I think you spend your free time reading or sleeping. That's not actively trying to relax and so it doesnt count. You're just being lazy."
Dear you,
If these words were regularly flung at you, how would you feel and react? Would you feel the need to push yourself even harder to dispel that label, even knowing that the judgement was unfair to begin with? Would you force yourself to keep going, even when you knew you were reaching your limits or even past them?
You wouldn't? Must be just me then. If you know me at all and have followed this blog, you will know that I am constantly battling with my self-esteem and trying to dispel the labels that have been placed on me. One of the side effects of having a self-esteem issue, is that if I am criticized and I can see how the other person reached that conclusion, no matter how incorrect, I will internalize the label. "He thinks I am lazy? Well I do need more rest than he seems to, therefore I must be lazy."
The problem with this is I then try to prove I am not. I will push myself, and work myself to the bone to prove that I am not lazy. Then, when I collapse from doing this to myself, I simply reconfirm the initial assessment while the things I have done up to that point goes unnoticed. When I have reached that point, where people can suddenly see I am not "fine", that is when there is all this love and care and worry lavished upon me. "You're sick, we need to get you better." "Why are you pushing yourself so hard when I can see you're not well." "You're only going to make yourself worse."
I never know how to respond to this. Me being visibly unwell and pushing myself is no different to me "not looking sick" and pushing myself. The only real difference between the two is visibility. It simply goes unnoticed and gets labelled when I am not visibly unwell. Because that's what was expected. If I look fine, I am expected to be fine. I am expected to have enough energy in my day to do everything you expect from me.And if i take time to attempt to build up those reserves or God Forbid conserve those reserves, then I am simply lazy.
But here's a news flash. "Active relaxing" takes energy too.
Filling the tub, connecting the ozone machine, removing my clothes, getting into the tub, keeping myself from drowning in the tub, getting out of the tub, drying myself ,dressing then drying my hair takes energy.
Doing yoga takes not only the energy needed while doing it, but drains energy dealing with the pain in my body for the next 3-4 days.
Being sensitive to light and sound means even watching tv or a movie or listening to music, takes energy. Not as much as the first two obviously, but its not a non-issue to me like it is to you.
So if I default to the least energy draining options, I am not being lazy. Reading does for me what computer games seems to do for you. It gives me an escape. While I am reading, I am not crappy old me with the health issues and low self esteem and pain and depression. I am whoever and where-ever the story is. I have a grand adventure or fall in love and live happy ever after. I am beautiful and confident and sexy and whatever else the heroine is. And if she is none of those things, I know that its only a matter of time before she grows and progresses and becomes. Or that the people she encounters will change the way she views herself and reveal that she was always beautiful, if only in their eyes.
And there are times when even reading takes too much. There are times when the most I can allow is to lie in bed or on the couch with my eyes closed.
Because then I know I will have conserved enough energy to ensure I have enough for the things you want from me. Like gyming. Like doing yoga. Like cooking or baking. Like visiting people you have a need to be in contact with.
And also enough energy for the things I need (which ends up taking second place anyway to avoid the laziness label). Like being with the people who matter to me. Like writing. Like trying to inject some form of interest or fun or excitement into a life that has begun to feel pointless.
"He thinks you are lazy."
"I do more than you."
"You get to have breaks in between your duties, like between work and being at home with us, and I don't"
"I think you spend your free time reading or sleeping. That's not actively trying to relax and so it doesnt count. You're just being lazy."
Dear you,
If these words were regularly flung at you, how would you feel and react? Would you feel the need to push yourself even harder to dispel that label, even knowing that the judgement was unfair to begin with? Would you force yourself to keep going, even when you knew you were reaching your limits or even past them?
You wouldn't? Must be just me then. If you know me at all and have followed this blog, you will know that I am constantly battling with my self-esteem and trying to dispel the labels that have been placed on me. One of the side effects of having a self-esteem issue, is that if I am criticized and I can see how the other person reached that conclusion, no matter how incorrect, I will internalize the label. "He thinks I am lazy? Well I do need more rest than he seems to, therefore I must be lazy."
The problem with this is I then try to prove I am not. I will push myself, and work myself to the bone to prove that I am not lazy. Then, when I collapse from doing this to myself, I simply reconfirm the initial assessment while the things I have done up to that point goes unnoticed. When I have reached that point, where people can suddenly see I am not "fine", that is when there is all this love and care and worry lavished upon me. "You're sick, we need to get you better." "Why are you pushing yourself so hard when I can see you're not well." "You're only going to make yourself worse."
I never know how to respond to this. Me being visibly unwell and pushing myself is no different to me "not looking sick" and pushing myself. The only real difference between the two is visibility. It simply goes unnoticed and gets labelled when I am not visibly unwell. Because that's what was expected. If I look fine, I am expected to be fine. I am expected to have enough energy in my day to do everything you expect from me.And if i take time to attempt to build up those reserves or God Forbid conserve those reserves, then I am simply lazy.
But here's a news flash. "Active relaxing" takes energy too.
Filling the tub, connecting the ozone machine, removing my clothes, getting into the tub, keeping myself from drowning in the tub, getting out of the tub, drying myself ,dressing then drying my hair takes energy.
Doing yoga takes not only the energy needed while doing it, but drains energy dealing with the pain in my body for the next 3-4 days.
Being sensitive to light and sound means even watching tv or a movie or listening to music, takes energy. Not as much as the first two obviously, but its not a non-issue to me like it is to you.
So if I default to the least energy draining options, I am not being lazy. Reading does for me what computer games seems to do for you. It gives me an escape. While I am reading, I am not crappy old me with the health issues and low self esteem and pain and depression. I am whoever and where-ever the story is. I have a grand adventure or fall in love and live happy ever after. I am beautiful and confident and sexy and whatever else the heroine is. And if she is none of those things, I know that its only a matter of time before she grows and progresses and becomes. Or that the people she encounters will change the way she views herself and reveal that she was always beautiful, if only in their eyes.
And there are times when even reading takes too much. There are times when the most I can allow is to lie in bed or on the couch with my eyes closed.
Because then I know I will have conserved enough energy to ensure I have enough for the things you want from me. Like gyming. Like doing yoga. Like cooking or baking. Like visiting people you have a need to be in contact with.
And also enough energy for the things I need (which ends up taking second place anyway to avoid the laziness label). Like being with the people who matter to me. Like writing. Like trying to inject some form of interest or fun or excitement into a life that has begun to feel pointless.
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