The Best of me

Dear reader, this is an attempt at another positive post. Let me know if I succeeded.

Too often, I get into a fixed loop of negative thinking where I tell myself I am a failure. That I will never be good enough, that the people who love me deserve better. Today's post is an exercise in positive thinking. When i say positive thinking, I don't mean telling myself "Everything is awesome!" Aaand queue the song. No, what i am referring to is the direct opposite of my negative thought loops. I am going to spend this post talking about what makes me wonderful. What makes me worthwhile as a person. And why I am a success. 

This is, of course very difficult for me, because we were always taught to "praise everyone but yourself". But just because something is difficult, does not mean it is not worth doing. Quite the opposite in fact. I have found that the difficult things are the things that are the most worthwhile. They give you a sense of achievement. And make you grow as a person. This brings me to the first good thing about me. I have grit. I am strong-willed and determined and if I deem something worth doing, I will persevere and do everything in my power to get it done. It does not matter the obstacles, the difficulties, I will stubbornly, determinedly push on.

To balance that strong will, i am pragmatic. Realistic. I have to be, otherwise that stubbornness becomes an extreme and switches over into a negative trait. One that would force me to blindly push my way down a path even when that path is no longer feasible. I can generally see clearly when a path will not work for me and am flexible enough that I can stop myself from banging my head against a brick wall.

And so we come to my next positive trait. I am balanced. I crave balance and order in most areas of my life and so I am constantly aware of the possibility of tipping over to one side or the other. This need for balance makes me, in my opinion, a fairly stable person, but it can also confuse others into thinking that I am not. This is because I compensate constantly on one side or the other to maintain what I consider the middle ground. This makes people think that I am not a very calm or stable person.

My sense of responsibility is also very well developed.Once I have taken ownership of a task or project, I will never let you down, even to the detriment of myself. In that regard, I am extremely trustworthy. If you entrust me with something, you can rest assured that it will be taken care of.

I am a leader. I consider true leaders to be people who lead from the front, by example. A true leader never requires more of others than they require of themselves. I teach by example and will often take more onto my shoulders to spare those who look to me. I give my best and expect the same from others. 

I am honest and straightforward to the point of being blunt. I don't often prevaricate and find small-talk pointless. This means that you will always know where you stand with me. If I am avoiding you, you can probably take it as a sign that I am trying not to say something will offend or hurt you. If you force the issue an prevent me from doing what I can to avoid a confrontation, you will end up hearing some unpleasant truths.

i am fairly intelligent and, though i am not necessarily good at everything, I excel in my chosen fields of specialization.  I am often able to see to the heart of a problem and find innovative solutions by thinking outside the box. I also have a good grasp of the bigger picture enabling me to see potential ramifications of any given course of action. I see in shades of gray rather than pure black and white. 

I am passionate and loyal and a good listener. I have an extensive vocabulary that comes from my love of reading and of writing. i am an excellent organizer, often thinking of things that others have missed. I am creative and artistic, even though I cannot draw. 

And that's me. Those of you who know me, is this how you see me?

Authenticity

Note: This post veered off from its planned content. Never fear, I will pick up the loose threads in a future post.

So I know things have been quiet on the blog front lately, and those of you waiting with bated breath for the next pearls of wisdom to drop from my pen, have been patient enough. There have been many things that I have been coming to grips with over the past 2 years that I haven't felt able to blog about. Hence the silence. The odd post here and there have given hints of it, hints that all has not been well, but for the most part I have stayed silent on the topic.

Part of that was probably denial. If I don't talk about it here, the place where I have bared my soul and shared my pain, then its not real. Part of it was also anxiety and embarrassment.

You see, when I started this thing, I had only a few readers, people who knew everything anyway or random strangers who stumbled here. It was a private-public expression of the madness in my head. Since then, however, my readership has grown to include people who know me personally and yet don't know me at all. And people whose good opinion matters greatly to me. And also people who I fear my words will wound unnecessarily.

This led to some soul searching as to what can I really say on here. Can I really rip off the masks and bare my soul when I know people are watching? And if I cant, is there really a point to this blog? This was supposed to be the one place where I was the most authentic version of myself. Where I have no need of masks to hide behind. Where I can be me and damn the consequences.

I have been struggling with this question for a while and I have come to realize that if you, my readers, keep coming back here, its because  you want to know the true me. If you have gotten to this point with me without running screaming into the night, then don't I own it to you not to don the mask once more? Don't I owe it to myself to see if the true authentic me is worth more than the dozens of masks I continuously wear?

Do any of you love me for me, exactly as I am at my core, at the deepest recesses of my mind and heart? Am I enough? Just me, no shields, no masks, no "happy face"?

Protecting vs Smothering

Being a parent is hard. There are so many ways you could screw up your child, it terrifies me. Take, for instance, my current dilemma. I have pretty strong OCD tendencies and am a fairly detail-oriented person. While these personality traits have been helpful in certain aspects of my life, they have also been detrimental in others. They flip into negative qualities very easily.

So when I see those same traits manifesting in my beautiful child, I’m left wondering what to do. I never ever want her to feel like she isn’t enough or perfect to me just as she is. But at the same time, I want to protect her from a world that does not accept or respect people with these kind of idiosyncrasies. People who are different. People who are not identical to the cookie cutter cut-out that is viewed as “normal”. 

So when I see her mirroring some of the same compulsions I have managed to hide or repress or disguise, I don’t know whether to feel a spurt of pride that she is like me, or fear that she is.  Then I wonder what if perhaps the wonderful combination of traits that is uniquely her isn’t exactly what the world needs. As a mother, I am pulled in two very strong very opposing forces in every decision I make. I want my child to fly, to be the very best version of herself she can possibly be. But opposing that is my need to protect her from the slings and arrows of a world that has already dealt harshly with me.

“She will never go through what I did!” I once swore passionately, overflowing with love for this tiny beautiful creature who had somehow come from me. But I refuse to clip her wings with fear. I won’t destroy her by smothering her with my protection. I want her to be strong. I want her to be confident and self-assured. I want her to live and learn and make mistakes and have towering victories. None of that will happen if I give in to my protective instincts. 

But there is still that little whisper inside. “What if I can save her from even one iota of the pain I have gone through?” Is it not my duty as her mother to protect her? How can I just stand back and do nothing? Should I not be teaching her what the world will and will not accept?

But in trying to give her these tools to protect herself, would I be protecting her or making her feel inadequate? Sometimes we do the most harm in trying to avoid it. Sometimes we cause more pain by trying to guard against it. 

And maybe the world has changed? What if my being in it has indefinably changed my little part of the world? What if all of us in our generation have changed the world simply by being in it. What if the changes we have wrought would have been enough to ensure that her differences are celebrated instead of reviled? It has often been said that our generation places more emphasis on individuality and personal fulfillment. Perhaps this focus will be enough. It will have to be. All I can think to do is, stand here, ready to comfort, to shower her with love and acceptance, if the world has not changed enough. The risk that it hasn’t is not worth the sacrifice of all that she could be.

Closure

Closure. It was something she had longed for, begged for, something she thought she would never receive. In truth, she had all but given up on ever speaking to him again let alone ever knowing why. But that ghastly time was locked away in her mind. Sealed in a tight little box and hidden in a corner to collect dust. Of course it didn't stay sealed. How could it, when the scars on her heart, on her self-esteem, her pride remained fresh enough to seep and bleed a little whenever there was the slightest chance of rejection in her current life.

She didn't think of it, of him, often. The scars were not uppermost on her conscious mind. She had put him and them out of her mind and heart when she had fallen in love with her husband. Her husband. She smiled just thinking of him. The man who had picked up the broken pieces of her and fitted them back together. The man who had tried his best, had worked hard, to heal those wounds. He'd succeeded in growing the shiny new scar tissue over her hurts, but the hurt, rejected girl she had been was still inside. For years, that girl whispered, quietly. "How can he see you the way he says? He's just saying all the right things, he can't possibly mean them. You are not beautiful or amazing or any of the wonderful things he says. You're not worthy of a wonderful man like him."

And when life happened, as it did, and things weren't as wonderful between them because they were tired, irritable or just busy, the voice would be stronger. When things were great and they were closer than ever, the voice would grow quiet, unable to destroy their happiness. But never did it leave completely. There were other incidents that contributed. Ones from before this one and from after. They all served to strengthen that horrible voice, to give it ammunition and power.

Then one day, out of the blue came the opportunity to speak of it once again. To ask why. Why did you do that to me? What did I do to make you treat me that way? And for the first time, he tried to answer her as honestly as possible. "I was young," he said. "I cared too much what others thought and too little about the consequences of my actions. I cared too much about myself and my standing with my friends to realize that I would be hurting you. I didn't even think of it when I lashed out at you."

Honest, yes. Apologetic even. It would do.

As he castigated himself and swore that the incident had changed him, that he'd become cautious in his words, because of her, she wondered "Is this what closure feels like? Looking into the past with eyes unfettered by hurt, by disappointment, and realizing that what had caused so much heartache was so childish." It was a revelation. Emotions always seem bigger when they are happening.  If you are able to let go of the emotion, time will bring maturity and cool dispassion. Those feelings that she had had would have dissipated quite easily if they hadn't been locked into place by his callous treatment of them. And by her bewilderment at everything that had come after.

Looking at him from the perspective of her life now, she wondered what she could have seen in him, when the man who had chosen her, had loved her even when she was broken, who was her true soul mate, was so very different. Her husband was her other half in a way that no other could ever be.  Closure, she finally understood, was simply a matter of realizing that what had happened was for the best. If she hadn't been hurt before, how could she realize how precious what she had found really was.  She looked around at her home, her husband and her child with a lightness of heart that came from setting down a heavy burden. She was happy.

Motivation

It's interesting how motivation works. Or doesn't. I achieved my goals and gave birth to a beautiful baby girl in December 2011. The weight loss that facilitated all of this was a result of a strict diet and exercise program that i followed religiously. I was extremely motivated and focused on the goal of falling pregnant and bringing the baby to term. My weight after delivery was 71kg. Most excellent.

But to my shame, I have to report that these last five months I have been on maternity leave have been hard on my ability to will myself into going back on the program. Being tired from the sleepless nights meant that I didn't have the energy or the inclination to watch what I ate let alone exercise. I have grown addicted to the carbs again. I can see it. And even knowing this and deciding to go back on the program numerous times, I have still failed. Being at home with the baby is just not conducive to my discipline.

But no more. The scale was a wake up call this morning. I am now 75kg. I will not allow this to continue. Next week I will be back at work as well. It's time to begin again as I mean to go on. I will count these last few months as a holiday and now its time to get my life back on track. I will not have my child learn bad habits from me. So, here on this blog, for the world to see, I am setting my goal. I will weigh 65kg or less by the end of the year.That is 10kg in 8 months. Very achievable.


The trouble will be staying motivated. When I ask myself why am I doing this (and I know I will) I will need to have a concrete answer for myself. Something bigger and more important that the old "to be healthy". It will be a hard road to walk, but I have done this before. I know I can do it again.

Dear You

(Stolen from Another Suburban Mom )
Dear You,

Hello again. It’s a little while since I wrote to you last, isn’t it? I was just thinking about you. Yes, you! And you. You too, over there in the corner. I’ve been thinking about you a lot.

I want you to know something. You’re ok, you are. Oh I know, you’re not perfect and sometimes you feel fraudulent, like you’re only pretending to be ok, but the truth is, imperfection and “faking it” are ok too.

I want you to know, you don’t have to feel invincible all the time to be ok. You don’t have to be permanently fabulous to make a difference to the world. Nor do you have to be completely loving of yourself, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week to be ok. It’s ok to feel afraid, to have doubts, to be a little less than your shiny self from time to time. It happens to all of us, and that’s ok. The key thing is to acknowledge it, feel it and allow it to pass. Or if you need it, it’s totally ok to ask for help. You don’t have to change the world all on your own.

Also, don’t feel you have to perform all the time either. There will be times where you just need to step back and BE without worrying about what you have to DO. Anyone who expects you to be perfectly “on” all the time doesn’t really care about you – they’re caring more about themselves and their own expectations than your needs or feelings.

The thing is, self love is about so much more than just declaring “I am awesome!” and believing it. You are awesome. But you are also human, and part of caring for yourself is acknowledging that all humans are flawed, and cutting yourself some slack. Forgiving yourself. You will make mistakes, and you will be flawed, but that’s fine. We are all flawed, we all make mistakes. What matters is how you work through those mistakes and flaws. The most perfect thing you can do is acknowledge them and learn from them. But most importantly, be responsible for your mistakes. That’s the thing that will make a difference.

Because really, it’s all about doing the best you can within whatever circumstances you’ve got in your life at any given time. So what if someone else is able to do more, give more, be more. That’s them, in their lives. You have yourself, in your life, so that’s what you’ve got to work with.

But there is something I REALLY want you to know. You are a perfectly acceptable human being right now, this minute. You are just as valid as any other human being, without changing a single thing about yourself. That doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to want to grow, evolve or improve yourself, or you can’t do better sometimes, it just means right now this instant, you are worthy of your own self love. Even if it is hard to love yourself sometimes (and boy, is it!), or you’re struggling with some really difficult stuff in your life, you still deserve it.

So dearest you, be kind to yourself, be kind to others, and give the best version of you that you can give, but know that even in the tough times, you are still valid, worthy and deserving of your own self love.

I love you.

Progress Report - May

I know I have been quiet on the bloggosphere lately. Real life sometimes takes over and it becomes impossible to keep up a steady stream of posts. Rest assured, however, that I still here. There have been things going on, exciting new things, that I am unable to blog about just yet. I know was on a bit of a backslide on my last post, but I am fine now.. Really.

Here is my latest progress report.

Starting weight (19 Jan 2011) : 80kg
Last weight check (1 Apr 2011) : 73.9kg
Current weight check (13 May 2011) : 71.1kg
Current Loss : 2.8kg
Nett Loss : 8.9kg

Yes, current loss has slowed down a little. There are reasons for that as well as the fact that I've cheated a little more in this past month. There is only so far you can go before you start to go crazy. While I always strive to have "perfect" days, where I eat everything correctly, there are times when I just can't do it anymore. I've learned to forgive those days and get back on that wagon the next day. And the results prove that it is still possible to lose, even with those days.

So, physically, I am doing well and still losing weight. Emotionally, I am also doing well. I take things one day at a time and try not to let my fears overwhelm me.

As I allow myself to hope,
Even when I am scared.
I am happy.

Progress Report

I just got back from the dieticians office. I'm soo stoked! I lost 3.4kg in 1 month!
So just to keep things official heres the progress report :

Starting weight (19 Jan 2011) : 80kg
Last weight check (25 Feb 2011 : 77.3kg
Currrent weight check (1 Apr 2011) : 73.9kg
Current Loss : 3.4kg
Nett Loss : 6.1kg
3 Month goal  (i.e. by 1 June 2011): 68kg
Long term goal : 58-60kg

Looking back over this one month, I can safely say that I have only had one tantrum. It was a public holiday, a Monday. And I just couldn't do it anymore. I sat there crying because it felt like there was nothing I was allowed to eat and I was sick of the things I was allowed. By the next day I was fine once more and wondering what on earth had gotten into me.

I have cheated slightly, here and there. A little bit of popcorn here, a bite of hubby's food (rice or whatever) there. But for the most part, I was strict. And I managed. I never felt HUNGRY.

Anyways, just thought my readers would like to know :D The lifestyle change works.

Tomorrow is a free day. Eat whatever I want with the dieticians blessing. Yippee! I was missing toast :)

Change of plan

So, I was supposed to be updating with my weight every week, right? But that plan has been changed.  I finally got an appointment with the dietician last friday and one of the things she said was not to weigh myself. The only place I am allowed to weigh myself is in her office. So there goes that plan. For completeness sake, here is last weeks weight update.

Progress Report : 1 Mar 2011
Starting weight : 80kg
Current Weight : 77.3kg
Last goal met : YES
Goal for this week : Not set.

Crickets, Cliches and Kilograms

Pssst... can you hear the cricket chirrping? Its been a while since I last posted, though the urge to write here has not left me. There has just been some major things going on in my life which I will now fill you in on... if you're interested :) Be aware though, there will be alot of cliches in this post. I can't help it.. they're cliches for a reason!

Lessons I learned - Happy New Year

Hooray.. 2010 IS OVER! Finally!

While many of you won't share this sentiment, for me its almost all I felt as we rang in the new year. I threw a party for my family and as we danced the year away, the absolute relief I felt was indescribable.
Normally the end of a year and the beginning of a new one is a time for introspection. A time for looking back at the mistakes, the joys, and pain and learning from them. Here are 5 lessons that I learned from this painful year :

1. Living is not just existing. And Living is well worth the effort it takes.
For a good part of this year, I simply existed. I crawled into myself and tried to shut out the world. My pain was too much and I refused to let anyone see for fear of hurting them. When I started emerging from this shell I'd built around myself, I discovered what it meant to live. To smile and mean it. To once again be a part of the living instead of just pretending. This is something my pain taught me to appreciate and its a lesson I will hold on to as tightly as I can. I will be more courageous and live my life in the happiest way possible.

2. I am not a selfish or hurtful person. I should be kinder to myself.
Pain teaches you about yourself. It pares everything down until you reach the core of yourself. I've always had this impression of myself that I am a selfish person who is fairly mean. I could never understand it when people used words like "sweet" and "quiet" to describe me since I spent endless time feeling guilty for the selfish or hurtful things I've done. I have discovered that most of that was in my head. If I was a selfish person, I would have wallowed in my pain and dragged everyone else with me. If I was hurtful, I would have lashed out when people hurt me. Instead, I turtled. I hid behind a mask. And only when people continued to hurt me, did I lash out to make them stop. So I have learned that I need to be kinder to myself and to stop shoving myself down in the mud.

3. People can only hurt you as much as you allow. I will not be allowing this any longer.
I will stand up for myself and make myself heard. I am old enough to know what I want in life and to know what will not work for me. The people who hurt me in order to force me to their wants, will not be allowed to affect my happiness.

4. Some things just can't be controlled. Some dreams only come true according to God's and the Universe's plan.
When I was young, I internalised the lesson that "If you want something, you have to work for it. Nobody is going to hand it to you on a platter. All dreams are achievable if you are willing to work for it. God helps those who help themselves". This year taught me that although this is true, there should be an additional waver. Sometimes, no matter how hard you work, you have to step back and accept the universes plan. If the time is not right, it will not happen. So work as hard as you can, but don't obsess when the dream doesn't come true. This is a hard lesson to learn and even harder to put into practice.

5. The cycle of life means that good must follow bad and bad will follow good.
In other words, "this too shall pass". The lesson is that no matter how much it hurts right now, there will come a time when the pain lessens and joy will slowly take its place. There will always be ups and downs and our job is to feel both to the fullest. To do otherwise, would mean we are dead inside.

So, Happy New Year everyone. May 2011 be all that you hope it will be.

Ohhh yeeeaaah..

 For my lunch break today, I went to the Kauai at the Wavehouse in Gateway.


 The bright airy atmosphere perked my spirits right up and the fresh, wholesome food which is healthy and tastes delicious made me feel wonderful. But even more wonderful was sitting beside those big glass windows toward the back with the gorgeous sunshine streaming in and warming me from the inside out.

 After eating an incredibly filling vegetarian mexican burrito, I sat there reading a book on my eReader and sipping a decadant mug of hot chocolate. If you haven't tried the hot chocolate at Kauai, you don't know what you're missing... Rich and dark with just the right amount of sweetness and gorgeous thick foam top that lasts forever. And as I got to the bottom of the cup, I found little bits of melted chocolate .. YUM :)

The warmth of the sun combined with the glorious chocolate worked their magic on me and I felt WONDERFUL. Relaxed and warm and happy. But all too soon, the hour was up and I had to return to work..

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WARNING : TMI AHEAD
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On a side note, regarding my fertility and TTC .. something odd has been happening on my chart (I've included a link to my fertility friend charts if anyone wants to take a look. My temps have been zig zagging all over the place and the last time it did that was when I had the ectopic pregnancy. But it is waay too soon for me to have O'd which has me confused. I usually O between CD15 and CD25. If I was pregnant again now, I would have to have O'd between CD7 and CD9. Thats just waay too early. But I've had some mild cramping on my left side (where the functioning ovary and tube is) and I have been a little more headachy than usual which has me a little.. nervous.

On the one hand, I would love to be pregnant again, but on the other, hubby and I had decided to wait until after October to try again. The doctor had said to wait for 2 AF's to come which has happened so on that score I'm safe, but what if I'm not emotionally ready for this? I know the thought of being pregnant again right now, already has me kinda anxious simply because my chart is looking similar to my ectopic.

Then again maybe I'm overthinking things and I didn't really O. Its just too soon to tell and the way my temps are going up and down doesn't help when trying to get a clear idea of what my body is doing.

So fingers crossed. Even if I don't know which outcome I'm hoping for...

Silver Linings

The old cliché is there is always a silver lining hidden in every dark cloud. But when you are mired in that darkness, it is often difficult to find that lining. Everything happens for a reason and things happen according to Gods/Universes divine plan, I keep being told. And although I do believe that, while I was stuck in the dark it was incredibly hard to take comfort in it.

Recently, I read this post by Amy over at TTC Baby Blog. It is something that I think anyone who is going through a miscarriage or loss should read and take note of. For me, reading that post helped me to find my silver lining and restore my faith in the universe.
Perhaps my miscarriages and everything that happened after, was to make me appreciate what I had.

I am blessed to have a husband who would do anything for me, a beautiful home that I can call my own and a pair of doggies that love me unconditionally. I am still alive against incredible odds (for the second time in my life) and I still have hope for a child of my own. I have parents who gave me strength when mine was flagging and a network of family and friends that will always be there for me. To all of them, I say a huge thank you. I know it can't have been easy to watch my struggle with depression but you were always there, trying to help.

And I second what Amy said about never taking anything for granted when it comes to our future babies. Because we know how hard it was to get there, we will never ever take anything about them for granted. This point was driven home to me recently, as I watched a new mother basically hand off the responsibilities of caring for her baby to others in her family. It would make me crazy to see her not realising what a precious miracle she had, one that I would do anything for. To watch her not appreciate every single second she had with her baby and spend less time with him by choice, hurt me.

And then I realised that hidden within the pain was gift. When I do eventually have my baby, I will appreciate every second I have him. I will want to do as much as I can for him by myself. I will see him for what he is. A miracle that has come into my life. A blessing.

In Amy's words

"We have been conditioned to be the best parents on the face of the earth, and by that I feel lucky... "

Getting back on track

So thats my story... Thats what happened. For the past 2 months, I have been battling depression, struggling to make sense of this, and just trying to survive. To heal. I think I'm on the right path now. I no longer have emotional storms at the mention of other peoples babies or of them being pregnant. It is no longer the first thing I think about when I wake in the morning, nor is it the last thing I think of when going to bed.

Does this mean I am moving on? Am i moving forward out of the dark? I guess so. Writing it out helped. I wasn't ready to, before. But now, just being able to put my feelings down into words, has given me a little peace. The intense fear that held me in its grip is also subsiding a little. Part of that, I think, is due to the fact that I O'd this month for the first time since the surgery and AF came as well. My body seems to be trying to get back to business as usual and so I'm alot calmer.

It may sound strange, but my dog Blaze also helped. He was born blind in one eye and hes never let that stop him from doing anything that his sister Shadow does. He may be a little more timid about it, but he'll still try. Last week his bad eye became infected and the vet said it had to be removed. The operation happened yesterday. Even though he is scared of the vet, and even though he sensed that something was going on, he remained calm and was stoic about getting into the car without Shadow. When he got to the vet, he didnt panic.

And this morning, when he was finally himself (after the anaesthetic finally wore off), he was trying to play and run around with Shadow as if he hadn't just had a traumatic experience. He just accepted what had happened and is making the best of it. Even with the cone around his head. Even with the stitches still around his eyesocket. He is trying to move forward.

With him as an example, how can i do any less?

The waiting...

The waiting was killing her. Interminable. It’s just a week, she told herself. I can wait a week. But it was hard. So hard. The possibilities, the dreams, filtered through her mind while she tried desperately not to hope.
Thoughts of her belly growing round and full. Dreams of feeling those first kicks. Of seeing that small life growing inside her on an ultrasound. She dreamed of the look on her husbands face, the happiness and love she’d find there when they knew for sure. She smiled at the thought of telling their parents that they were going to be grandparents. Of the happiness the news would bring. The way his mom would light up with happiness. The special way her mom would smile. The pride that would shine on the dads faces. And the excitement that the brothers would feel.
She sat on the window seat daydreaming out the window. Of the day, when finally, finally, she would hold her little girl. Or boy. Would it be a girl, she wondered. A pretty dark haired child with her fathers eyes and curls. Would she be a girly girl, all frills and lace and pretty dresses, or a tom-boy like she herself had been. Scraped knees and dirt smudges and fly-away hair. Or would it be a little boy. With a naughty smile and twinkling eyes. A charmer.
She shook her head, trying to dispel the images that shone so clearly in her mind. Its too soon to tell. You have to wait the week and then you’ll know. Don’t start to hope, she cautioned herself. It may not have happened yet. You’ll be disappointed. But still, the dreams refused to listen and spun on.