Open Letter about my laziness

"You're lazy. It's ok, I love you anyway."
"He thinks you are lazy."
"I do more than you."
"You get to have breaks in between your duties, like between work and being at home with us, and I don't"
"I think you spend your free time reading or sleeping. That's not actively trying to relax and so it doesnt count. You're just being lazy."

Dear you,

If these words were regularly flung at you, how would you feel and react? Would you feel the need to push yourself even harder to dispel that label, even knowing that the judgement was unfair to begin with? Would you force yourself to keep going, even when you knew you were reaching your limits or even past them?

You wouldn't? Must be just me then. If you know me at all and have followed this blog, you will know that I am constantly battling with my self-esteem and trying to dispel the labels that have been placed on me. One of the side effects of having a self-esteem issue, is that if I am criticized and I can see how the other person reached that conclusion, no matter how incorrect, I will internalize the  label. "He thinks I am lazy? Well I do need more rest than he seems to, therefore I must be lazy."

The problem with this is I then try to prove I am not. I will push myself, and work myself to the bone to prove that I am not lazy. Then, when I collapse from doing this to myself, I simply reconfirm the initial assessment while the things I have done up to that point goes unnoticed. When I have reached that point, where people can suddenly see I am not "fine", that is when there is all this love and care and worry lavished upon me. "You're sick, we need to get you better." "Why are you pushing yourself so hard when I can see you're not well." "You're only going to make yourself worse."

I never know how to respond to this. Me being visibly unwell and pushing myself is no different to me "not looking sick" and pushing myself. The only real difference between the two is visibility. It simply goes unnoticed and gets labelled when I am not visibly unwell. Because that's what was expected. If I look fine, I am expected to be fine. I am expected to have enough energy in my day to do everything you expect from me.And if i take time to attempt to build up those reserves or God Forbid conserve those reserves, then I am simply lazy.

But here's a news flash. "Active relaxing" takes energy too.

Filling the tub, connecting the ozone machine, removing my clothes, getting into the tub, keeping myself from drowning in the tub, getting out of the tub, drying myself ,dressing then drying my hair takes energy. 

Doing yoga takes not only the energy needed while doing it, but drains energy dealing with the pain in my body for the next 3-4 days.

Being sensitive to light and sound means even watching tv or a movie or listening to music, takes energy. Not as much as the first two obviously, but its not a non-issue to me like it is to you.

So if I default to the least energy draining options, I am not being lazy. Reading does for me what computer games seems to do for you. It gives me an escape. While I am reading, I am not crappy old me with the health issues and low self esteem and pain and depression. I am whoever and where-ever the story is. I have a grand adventure or fall in love and live happy ever after. I am beautiful and confident and sexy and whatever else the heroine is. And if she is none of those things, I know that its only a matter of time before she grows and progresses and becomes. Or that the people she encounters will change the way she views herself and reveal that she was always beautiful, if only in their eyes.

And there are times when even reading takes too much. There are times when the most I can allow is to lie in bed or on the couch with my eyes closed.

Because then I know I will have conserved enough energy to ensure I have enough for the things you want from me. Like gyming. Like doing yoga. Like cooking or baking. Like visiting people you have a need to be in contact with.

And also enough energy for the things I need (which ends up taking second place anyway to avoid the laziness label). Like being with the people who matter to me. Like writing. Like trying to inject some form of interest or fun or excitement into a life that has begun to feel pointless.

Time and again you betray me,

But fool that I am, I still hope.

Still dream.

Is this constant dashing of hope a penance, I wonder?

Some misdeed

I had perpetrated

In this life or before,

Is this my payment?

I cannot walk away

I am stuck here

And somehow,

I cannot convince myself to stop

Hoping.

Believing.

And every time I begin again,

You betray me.

This body is weak, it will not provide easily,

What others take for granted.

Every step forward must be fought for

Begged for

And even when progress is allowed

There is a price.

Is it worse, I wonder, to face

The betrayals

Or to pay the

Prices

That victory demands?

For every victory, there have been countless

Lost battles.

Stubborn Fool

My heart

Chooses to fight,

What life is there

With no dreams?

No More Ms Good Girl

Ok, so I'm a little late to get back into blogging. I have reasons (and excuses) which you're probably not too interested in anyway. Too bad. Stop reading here if you not interested. Its been a tough week for me. Who knew I needed to get away that badly??

I completely and thoroughly enjoyed my girl weekend away. It felt was amazing to leave all my problems and issues behind and just let loose for a few days. The unfortunate downside to that is that when I got back, I was a) exhausted and b) dismayed to find all my baggage waiting at home for me to shoulder it once more.

Picking up all that weight again threw me into a bit of a tailspin. I went from being kindof manically happy to being completely down and depressed. I started seeing a therapist as well, which, while helping, is also making me dredge through the pain and trauma I went through.

Add to this some drama with my family (where I was told Im being selfish and I need to just get over it) and and item that was to me a symbol of my hope, being ripped away from me by these same people, and you begin to see why I've been AWOL. Its been a lot to deal with and I'm still not quite at the point where I can say its over.

What I do know is that I will not take the item back. Even if they try to give it back to me, I dont want or need it. I will not allow myself to be treated like crap any longer. I am tired of being the good girl, and letting others stomp all over my heart. In the course of this thing happening, others have said to me that they wouldn't have intentionally hurt me.. but if you know that something your are doing is upsetting/hurting someone and you insist on doing it anyway, then that is intentional hurt. it disregards the other persons feelings in favour of your wants. And I will not allow people to do that to me any longer.

So look out world. Its no more Ms Good Girl.

Being me vs Being good

Sometimes I wonder why I bother. Most of the time, I am able strike a balance between being me and being a good daughter/wife/daughter-in-law/sister. But sometimes... sometimes I don’t know if it’s worth it. I compromise myself at times to be whoever they need me to be, but that is never noticed or appreciated. As long they’re getting their way, who cares about how I feel, right?

But what happens when I try to find a middle ground between me and what they want? It’s just not good enough. It’s their way only. Why is it always me that has to make the compromises? Some will say they’re your elders and are in charge. And to that I say, yes they are my elders and as such they have my respect, but they are not in charge of me. I am 27 years old. In a few months, I will be 28. Surely I am old enough to know what’s right for me and what isn’t? To try to force me to do something that I KNOW will cause me much discomfort and even be detrimental to my health, is wrong.

When they were my age, they had already had all their children. They were living their own lives and making decisions that would affect the lives of their kids. Is it because I am not yet a mother myself (not for lack of trying) that I am treated as if I am still child? I am an adult and for you to speak to me in that way is unacceptable. Is my politeness being mistaken for weakness? Is the respect I have for your position being misconstrued somehow to allow you to believe that you can speak to me in any you please?

Soon, the tethers of respect and politeness will snap and my true self will be set free. You think you know me as the soft, sweet, polite, respectful person I allow you to see. And I am that person, most of the time. But arouse my anger and I am not that person. You do not see that side of me. I believe it is not right to behave in that manner to your elders. So I tether it. I put it in a box until I am away from you and can release my frustrations without being rude to you.

For you to imply that the problems I have had this year is due to my not following some trivial inconsequential ritualistic practice, is beyond ridiculous. It is mean and hurtful and I do not need that in my life. I do not need people in my life who are less than supportive. Who demand more than I am willing to give.

I don’t know how much longer I can keep the balance between being me and being what and who you think I should be. And when I stop trying, you will find that the true me doesn’t like you. Doesn’t want to be around you. Doesn’t want to have to listen to you scolding me on trivial matters when you do not appreciate the sacrifices I make to keep the peace with you. I don’t want or need you to tell me how to behave or what to do.

When the balance tips, you will find that I won’t be available to you. Ever.