To my mummy

To my Mummy

I love you. I know I'm not always the best at showing it and I know that sometimes I drive you crazy (and vice versa!), but through it all you have been the most amazing, steady, calming force in my life. You are the person who makes things happen. The person I know I can always turn to, count on, no matter what.

I may not be the best or most perfect daughter in the world, but you've always loved me anyway. Through my tantrums and my meltdowns, my anxiety and my depression, you have always been right there to comfort me or to snap me out of it.

We fight occasionally, as most mothers and daughters do, but even in the midst of it, you have never walked away. I don't think you ever could. So, even though you will say it's not necessary,  that you're my mummy and there's no need for thanks between us, I still want to say Thank you!

Thank you for raising me and for doing whatever it took to get me to where I am today.  I have never made it easy, but your strength has never wavered. I am grateful for all you have done for me and continue to do. You are my mummy, my mom, my friend, my confidant. And I love you.

PS: You asked me write something happy. Something positive. To stop focusing on the pain and the negative. When I tried to, you were what I thought of. Your love is the most positive thing in my life.

My beautiful little girl :)

Dear You

(Stolen from Another Suburban Mom )
Dear You,

Hello again. It’s a little while since I wrote to you last, isn’t it? I was just thinking about you. Yes, you! And you. You too, over there in the corner. I’ve been thinking about you a lot.

I want you to know something. You’re ok, you are. Oh I know, you’re not perfect and sometimes you feel fraudulent, like you’re only pretending to be ok, but the truth is, imperfection and “faking it” are ok too.

I want you to know, you don’t have to feel invincible all the time to be ok. You don’t have to be permanently fabulous to make a difference to the world. Nor do you have to be completely loving of yourself, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week to be ok. It’s ok to feel afraid, to have doubts, to be a little less than your shiny self from time to time. It happens to all of us, and that’s ok. The key thing is to acknowledge it, feel it and allow it to pass. Or if you need it, it’s totally ok to ask for help. You don’t have to change the world all on your own.

Also, don’t feel you have to perform all the time either. There will be times where you just need to step back and BE without worrying about what you have to DO. Anyone who expects you to be perfectly “on” all the time doesn’t really care about you – they’re caring more about themselves and their own expectations than your needs or feelings.

The thing is, self love is about so much more than just declaring “I am awesome!” and believing it. You are awesome. But you are also human, and part of caring for yourself is acknowledging that all humans are flawed, and cutting yourself some slack. Forgiving yourself. You will make mistakes, and you will be flawed, but that’s fine. We are all flawed, we all make mistakes. What matters is how you work through those mistakes and flaws. The most perfect thing you can do is acknowledge them and learn from them. But most importantly, be responsible for your mistakes. That’s the thing that will make a difference.

Because really, it’s all about doing the best you can within whatever circumstances you’ve got in your life at any given time. So what if someone else is able to do more, give more, be more. That’s them, in their lives. You have yourself, in your life, so that’s what you’ve got to work with.

But there is something I REALLY want you to know. You are a perfectly acceptable human being right now, this minute. You are just as valid as any other human being, without changing a single thing about yourself. That doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to want to grow, evolve or improve yourself, or you can’t do better sometimes, it just means right now this instant, you are worthy of your own self love. Even if it is hard to love yourself sometimes (and boy, is it!), or you’re struggling with some really difficult stuff in your life, you still deserve it.

So dearest you, be kind to yourself, be kind to others, and give the best version of you that you can give, but know that even in the tough times, you are still valid, worthy and deserving of your own self love.

I love you.

The kilo's - they come off

Two progress updates in a month?? Unheard of, I tell you! But since I had a doctors appointment on Monday and there was PROGRESS, you get another update. Amazing, isn't it?

Starting weight (19 Jan 2011) : 80kg
Last weight check (13 May 2011) : 71.1kg
Current weight check (23 May 2011) : 69kg
Current Loss : 2.1kg
Nett Loss : 11kg

YAY! I broke the 70 mark :) This calls for a celebration. Lets go have cake :P
Actually. Ignore that last part. I don't want to go back to 70 before I get to enjoy being 69.

So. There you go. Good times.

Additionally, the changes I was talking about in my last post are progressing well. Soon, I'll be able to discuss them here.

Soon.

I'll keep you posted.

Progress Report - May

I know I have been quiet on the bloggosphere lately. Real life sometimes takes over and it becomes impossible to keep up a steady stream of posts. Rest assured, however, that I still here. There have been things going on, exciting new things, that I am unable to blog about just yet. I know was on a bit of a backslide on my last post, but I am fine now.. Really.

Here is my latest progress report.

Starting weight (19 Jan 2011) : 80kg
Last weight check (1 Apr 2011) : 73.9kg
Current weight check (13 May 2011) : 71.1kg
Current Loss : 2.8kg
Nett Loss : 8.9kg

Yes, current loss has slowed down a little. There are reasons for that as well as the fact that I've cheated a little more in this past month. There is only so far you can go before you start to go crazy. While I always strive to have "perfect" days, where I eat everything correctly, there are times when I just can't do it anymore. I've learned to forgive those days and get back on that wagon the next day. And the results prove that it is still possible to lose, even with those days.

So, physically, I am doing well and still losing weight. Emotionally, I am also doing well. I take things one day at a time and try not to let my fears overwhelm me.

As I allow myself to hope,
Even when I am scared.
I am happy.

Progress Report

I just got back from the dieticians office. I'm soo stoked! I lost 3.4kg in 1 month!
So just to keep things official heres the progress report :

Starting weight (19 Jan 2011) : 80kg
Last weight check (25 Feb 2011 : 77.3kg
Currrent weight check (1 Apr 2011) : 73.9kg
Current Loss : 3.4kg
Nett Loss : 6.1kg
3 Month goal  (i.e. by 1 June 2011): 68kg
Long term goal : 58-60kg

Looking back over this one month, I can safely say that I have only had one tantrum. It was a public holiday, a Monday. And I just couldn't do it anymore. I sat there crying because it felt like there was nothing I was allowed to eat and I was sick of the things I was allowed. By the next day I was fine once more and wondering what on earth had gotten into me.

I have cheated slightly, here and there. A little bit of popcorn here, a bite of hubby's food (rice or whatever) there. But for the most part, I was strict. And I managed. I never felt HUNGRY.

Anyways, just thought my readers would like to know :D The lifestyle change works.

Tomorrow is a free day. Eat whatever I want with the dieticians blessing. Yippee! I was missing toast :)

Wordless Wednesday - Long weekend

Crickets, Cliches and Kilograms

Pssst... can you hear the cricket chirrping? Its been a while since I last posted, though the urge to write here has not left me. There has just been some major things going on in my life which I will now fill you in on... if you're interested :) Be aware though, there will be alot of cliches in this post. I can't help it.. they're cliches for a reason!

Happy Anniversary, darling

“I don't pretend to know what love is for everyone, but I can tell you what it is for me; love is knowing all about someone, and still wanting to be with them more than any other person, love is trusting them enough to tell them everything about yourself, including the things you might be ashamed of, love is feeling comfortable and safe with someone, but still getting weak knees when they walk into a room and smile at you.”

Four years. Where did the time go? There's been ups and downs, happiness and anger. But through it all, my love for you has never wavered. This is our life. Together. I can think of nothing better than spending the rest of mine entwined with yours. When we first met, there was a recognition. A level of comfort that usually takes years to build. That feeling has only grown with each moment we have spent together.

So Happy Anniversary, darling. The past four years have been an adventure.

Lunch breaks ... Part 2

So for the past 2 days I have been visiting the beach during my lunch breaks. The offices where I work is literally a 10 minute drive from a quiet sparsely populated beach in Umhlanga Rocks. There isn't much (read anything) in the way of available food there which makes traffic really light. But if you drive for about 3 minutes from the parking lot at this beach, you will come across a buzzing restaurant area. Usually, if I haven't eaten already at my desk, I will stop off at the Woolworths food market there and pick up something to take with me to the beach.

Once there, I will sit on the sand, leaning against the cool stone of the barrier wall and simply bask in the sun. Sometimes, I take my eReader with me to read. And sometimes, I just sit there and watch the waves. If there a people around (theres usually a few), I people watch. I let my mind empty as I sit there, there are no work stresses, no irritations, no fears. It is incredibly peaceful and if I'm reading, I lose myself in someone elses story, someone else's drama and adventures.

Occassionally, a seagulls cry will jolt me out of the story and I will look up and smile. Happy to be where I am. Relaxed, with my mind at peace, I am able to return to work renewed and ready to continue through the afternoon.

Ohhh yeeeaaah..

 For my lunch break today, I went to the Kauai at the Wavehouse in Gateway.


 The bright airy atmosphere perked my spirits right up and the fresh, wholesome food which is healthy and tastes delicious made me feel wonderful. But even more wonderful was sitting beside those big glass windows toward the back with the gorgeous sunshine streaming in and warming me from the inside out.

 After eating an incredibly filling vegetarian mexican burrito, I sat there reading a book on my eReader and sipping a decadant mug of hot chocolate. If you haven't tried the hot chocolate at Kauai, you don't know what you're missing... Rich and dark with just the right amount of sweetness and gorgeous thick foam top that lasts forever. And as I got to the bottom of the cup, I found little bits of melted chocolate .. YUM :)

The warmth of the sun combined with the glorious chocolate worked their magic on me and I felt WONDERFUL. Relaxed and warm and happy. But all too soon, the hour was up and I had to return to work..

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WARNING : TMI AHEAD
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On a side note, regarding my fertility and TTC .. something odd has been happening on my chart (I've included a link to my fertility friend charts if anyone wants to take a look. My temps have been zig zagging all over the place and the last time it did that was when I had the ectopic pregnancy. But it is waay too soon for me to have O'd which has me confused. I usually O between CD15 and CD25. If I was pregnant again now, I would have to have O'd between CD7 and CD9. Thats just waay too early. But I've had some mild cramping on my left side (where the functioning ovary and tube is) and I have been a little more headachy than usual which has me a little.. nervous.

On the one hand, I would love to be pregnant again, but on the other, hubby and I had decided to wait until after October to try again. The doctor had said to wait for 2 AF's to come which has happened so on that score I'm safe, but what if I'm not emotionally ready for this? I know the thought of being pregnant again right now, already has me kinda anxious simply because my chart is looking similar to my ectopic.

Then again maybe I'm overthinking things and I didn't really O. Its just too soon to tell and the way my temps are going up and down doesn't help when trying to get a clear idea of what my body is doing.

So fingers crossed. Even if I don't know which outcome I'm hoping for...