Life is hard. Feelings are difficult to control. You can be puttering along, feeling happy and then suddenly, BHAM! the pain and hurt depression rears up and grabs you by the throat.
This is pretty much how I have been feeling the past few days. Things had been going well. I was making a good effort at losing weight, the diet was going well, and I felt positive about myself. I was working towards my goals. And then, out of the blue, the feelings of hopelessness and pain hit me.
Its not fair. Why am I forced to starve myself and to pray and beg and plead for something that should have been a normal facet of life? Other women, known to me personally, have no trouble. In fact, the one person actually got pregnant by accident and had to get married ahead of schedule. A classmate of mine from high school is expecting her second child. At least 5 other classmates have children who are 2-3 years old. Family members, friends, work colleagues.. all expecting a child or have had children in the last 2 years.
And the pain of losing my babies hit me again. Fresh, almost as if it had just happened, rather than having happened a full year ago. And the same words that were said to me last year were said again. Don't worry. It will happen. Just pray. Just be positive. You will have a child.
And all I could do is cry.
Slowly, I am pulling myself back out of this. It takes time to forget again. To make myself whole. To shut that door again and continue trying to move forward.
I recently read a passage that explains this better than I can.
Its from a book called "The Name of the Wind" by Patrick Rothfuss :
This is pretty much how I have been feeling the past few days. Things had been going well. I was making a good effort at losing weight, the diet was going well, and I felt positive about myself. I was working towards my goals. And then, out of the blue, the feelings of hopelessness and pain hit me.
Its not fair. Why am I forced to starve myself and to pray and beg and plead for something that should have been a normal facet of life? Other women, known to me personally, have no trouble. In fact, the one person actually got pregnant by accident and had to get married ahead of schedule. A classmate of mine from high school is expecting her second child. At least 5 other classmates have children who are 2-3 years old. Family members, friends, work colleagues.. all expecting a child or have had children in the last 2 years.
And the pain of losing my babies hit me again. Fresh, almost as if it had just happened, rather than having happened a full year ago. And the same words that were said to me last year were said again. Don't worry. It will happen. Just pray. Just be positive. You will have a child.
And all I could do is cry.
Slowly, I am pulling myself back out of this. It takes time to forget again. To make myself whole. To shut that door again and continue trying to move forward.
I recently read a passage that explains this better than I can.
Its from a book called "The Name of the Wind" by Patrick Rothfuss :
PERHAPS THE GREATEST FACULTY our minds possess is the ability to cope with pain. Classic thinking teaches us of the four doors of the mind, which everyone moves through according to their need.
...
Second is the door of forgetting. Some wounds are too deep to heal, or too deep to heal quickly. In addition, many memories are simply painful, and there is no healing to be done. The saying “time heals all wounds” is false. Time heals most wounds. The rest are hidden behind this door.
...
While my mind slept, many of the painful parts of the previous day were ushered through the second door. Not completely. I did not forget what had happened, but the memory was dulled, as if seen through thick gauze.
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