Sometimes I wonder why I bother. Most of the time, I am able strike a balance between being me and being a good daughter/wife/daughter-in-law/sister. But sometimes... sometimes I don’t know if it’s worth it. I compromise myself at times to be whoever they need me to be, but that is never noticed or appreciated. As long they’re getting their way, who cares about how I feel, right?
But what happens when I try to find a middle ground between me and what they want? It’s just not good enough. It’s their way only. Why is it always me that has to make the compromises? Some will say they’re your elders and are in charge. And to that I say, yes they are my elders and as such they have my respect, but they are not in charge of me. I am 27 years old. In a few months, I will be 28. Surely I am old enough to know what’s right for me and what isn’t? To try to force me to do something that I KNOW will cause me much discomfort and even be detrimental to my health, is wrong.
When they were my age, they had already had all their children. They were living their own lives and making decisions that would affect the lives of their kids. Is it because I am not yet a mother myself (not for lack of trying) that I am treated as if I am still child? I am an adult and for you to speak to me in that way is unacceptable. Is my politeness being mistaken for weakness? Is the respect I have for your position being misconstrued somehow to allow you to believe that you can speak to me in any you please?
Soon, the tethers of respect and politeness will snap and my true self will be set free. You think you know me as the soft, sweet, polite, respectful person I allow you to see. And I am that person, most of the time. But arouse my anger and I am not that person. You do not see that side of me. I believe it is not right to behave in that manner to your elders. So I tether it. I put it in a box until I am away from you and can release my frustrations without being rude to you.
For you to imply that the problems I have had this year is due to my not following some trivial inconsequential ritualistic practice, is beyond ridiculous. It is mean and hurtful and I do not need that in my life. I do not need people in my life who are less than supportive. Who demand more than I am willing to give.
I don’t know how much longer I can keep the balance between being me and being what and who you think I should be. And when I stop trying, you will find that the true me doesn’t like you. Doesn’t want to be around you. Doesn’t want to have to listen to you scolding me on trivial matters when you do not appreciate the sacrifices I make to keep the peace with you. I don’t want or need you to tell me how to behave or what to do.
When the balance tips, you will find that I won’t be available to you. Ever.
I can relate completely! I've been struggling with the same frustration for the past few years and i finally reached a point where i realised that being what everyone wants is pointless because it goes unnoticed most of the time in any case!
ReplyDeleteso now, I will only be just me. It's difficult, yes, but with practice I will find my own space and way and I will live by that. Life is too short to be unhappy for the sake of people who only want what they want, how they want and because they want!