Ohhh yeeeaaah..

 For my lunch break today, I went to the Kauai at the Wavehouse in Gateway.


 The bright airy atmosphere perked my spirits right up and the fresh, wholesome food which is healthy and tastes delicious made me feel wonderful. But even more wonderful was sitting beside those big glass windows toward the back with the gorgeous sunshine streaming in and warming me from the inside out.

 After eating an incredibly filling vegetarian mexican burrito, I sat there reading a book on my eReader and sipping a decadant mug of hot chocolate. If you haven't tried the hot chocolate at Kauai, you don't know what you're missing... Rich and dark with just the right amount of sweetness and gorgeous thick foam top that lasts forever. And as I got to the bottom of the cup, I found little bits of melted chocolate .. YUM :)

The warmth of the sun combined with the glorious chocolate worked their magic on me and I felt WONDERFUL. Relaxed and warm and happy. But all too soon, the hour was up and I had to return to work..

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WARNING : TMI AHEAD
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On a side note, regarding my fertility and TTC .. something odd has been happening on my chart (I've included a link to my fertility friend charts if anyone wants to take a look. My temps have been zig zagging all over the place and the last time it did that was when I had the ectopic pregnancy. But it is waay too soon for me to have O'd which has me confused. I usually O between CD15 and CD25. If I was pregnant again now, I would have to have O'd between CD7 and CD9. Thats just waay too early. But I've had some mild cramping on my left side (where the functioning ovary and tube is) and I have been a little more headachy than usual which has me a little.. nervous.

On the one hand, I would love to be pregnant again, but on the other, hubby and I had decided to wait until after October to try again. The doctor had said to wait for 2 AF's to come which has happened so on that score I'm safe, but what if I'm not emotionally ready for this? I know the thought of being pregnant again right now, already has me kinda anxious simply because my chart is looking similar to my ectopic.

Then again maybe I'm overthinking things and I didn't really O. Its just too soon to tell and the way my temps are going up and down doesn't help when trying to get a clear idea of what my body is doing.

So fingers crossed. Even if I don't know which outcome I'm hoping for...

Tasty Thursday - Chocolate Orange cake

Today’s Tasty Thursday was inspired by the guys over at VegNews. It’s an awesome website if you’re cooking vegetarian. I took their recipe for Crème-filled Chocolate Orange Cupcakes and modified it to produce a Chocolate Orange cake with Orange Buttercream and poured fondant frosting. The fondant came courtesy of candy.about.com

We had a little surprise party for my Dads 60th birthday (early because their gift is a holiday in Cape Town for the week of their birthdays) and the cake was an absolute hit :)

For future reference though, I would adjust the recipe to have a little more liquid so that the cake becomes less dense. The chocolate and orange flavours complement each other quite nicely and the icing was delicious.

So without further ado ... the recipe :
Cake Ingredients
1 ½ cups flour
½ cup cocoa powder
1 cup sugar
1 teaspoon baking powder
½ teaspoon baking soda
¼ teaspoon salt
¾ cup orange juice
½ cup canola oil
1 teaspoon vanilla
1 tablespoon orange zest

For the cake :
Preheat oven to 350 degrees
Sift together flour, cocoa powder, sugar, baking powder, baking soda, and salt
In a separate bowl, whisk together orange juice, canola oil, vanilla, and orange zest.
Mix wet and dry ingredients
Divide batter between 2 greased non-stick 20cm cake tins
Bake for approx 30-45 mins until toothpick comes out clean

For the buttercream
4 cups powdered sugar
½ cup melted butter at room temperature (i would adjust this to ¾ cup)
1 tablespoon orange zest
¼ cup orange juice

Beat powdered sugar, butter and orange zest together slowly adding in orange juice until the desired consistency is reached.

For the Fondant :
Follow the instructions here and leave to rest overnight.

Assembly :
When the cake is completely cold, smother the top of one with buttercream and place the other on top. Cover the top and sides with more buttercream.
Melt the fondant in a saucepan until it reaches pouring consistency
Pour fondant over cake ensuring that it is evenly spread on the top and slides down the sides in dribbles.
Colour leftover buttercream with food colouring and decorate.

Being me vs Being good

Sometimes I wonder why I bother. Most of the time, I am able strike a balance between being me and being a good daughter/wife/daughter-in-law/sister. But sometimes... sometimes I don’t know if it’s worth it. I compromise myself at times to be whoever they need me to be, but that is never noticed or appreciated. As long they’re getting their way, who cares about how I feel, right?

But what happens when I try to find a middle ground between me and what they want? It’s just not good enough. It’s their way only. Why is it always me that has to make the compromises? Some will say they’re your elders and are in charge. And to that I say, yes they are my elders and as such they have my respect, but they are not in charge of me. I am 27 years old. In a few months, I will be 28. Surely I am old enough to know what’s right for me and what isn’t? To try to force me to do something that I KNOW will cause me much discomfort and even be detrimental to my health, is wrong.

When they were my age, they had already had all their children. They were living their own lives and making decisions that would affect the lives of their kids. Is it because I am not yet a mother myself (not for lack of trying) that I am treated as if I am still child? I am an adult and for you to speak to me in that way is unacceptable. Is my politeness being mistaken for weakness? Is the respect I have for your position being misconstrued somehow to allow you to believe that you can speak to me in any you please?

Soon, the tethers of respect and politeness will snap and my true self will be set free. You think you know me as the soft, sweet, polite, respectful person I allow you to see. And I am that person, most of the time. But arouse my anger and I am not that person. You do not see that side of me. I believe it is not right to behave in that manner to your elders. So I tether it. I put it in a box until I am away from you and can release my frustrations without being rude to you.

For you to imply that the problems I have had this year is due to my not following some trivial inconsequential ritualistic practice, is beyond ridiculous. It is mean and hurtful and I do not need that in my life. I do not need people in my life who are less than supportive. Who demand more than I am willing to give.

I don’t know how much longer I can keep the balance between being me and being what and who you think I should be. And when I stop trying, you will find that the true me doesn’t like you. Doesn’t want to be around you. Doesn’t want to have to listen to you scolding me on trivial matters when you do not appreciate the sacrifices I make to keep the peace with you. I don’t want or need you to tell me how to behave or what to do.

When the balance tips, you will find that I won’t be available to you. Ever.

Tasty Thursday - Vegetarian Omelette (No eggs)

This has been a crazy week. Monday was a public holiday and my cousin (who is more sister than cousin) came down from Johannesburg to spend the weekend with me. I was so excited to see her again and I made another batch of strawberry jam in anticipation of making scones with with her on saturday.. It was awesome... is there anything better than fresh warm scones, homemade jam and freshly whipped cream? Initially that was going to be this weeks tasty thursday, but they got eaten so fast and we were having so much making them that I forgot to take photos.. so maybe next time :P

The next morning, Sunday morning, I was awakened early by Blaze and Shadow. They were howling outside wanting to be allowed to be together again. We had to keep them apart when we werent there to supervise because we couldn't let Shadow interfere with Blazes eye while it was healing. After sorting them out, (we needed to fix Blaze's cone, he had broken it during the night) I was unable to go back to sleep, so I started making these delicious omelettes. Since we're vegetarian, we don't eat eggs, so this recipe has been in my family for a while.

Vegetable omelette
1 cup gram flour (chickpea flour)
1 cup self raising flour
1 cup grated cheese
1 tsp baking powder
2 tbs margerine/butter
1 cup milk
approx 1 cup water
1 tsp each crushed ginger, garlic, chillies
1/2 tsp salt + pepper
dried mixed herbs
1/2 cup chopped coriander leaves and stems
1/4 cup spring onion
choice of filling - chopped :(choose at least 3)
1 onion, 1 tomato, 1 green/red/yellow pepper, soya hotdogs, jelapeno peppers, whatever u feel like adding

Method :
Microwave butter and milk until melted
mix in rest of the ingredients
add in water until dough is slightly runny

Heat non-stick skillet on medium heat
Pour a ladleful of batter onto skillet




Allow to cook until top is mostly formed and underneath is cooked (it should be a golden brown or slightly darker if you prefer)

Flip omelette over to allow other side to cook and brown

Cool on wire rack before stacking

Tasty Thursday delayed

Todays Tasty Thursday is delayed due to a very busy week. I plan to post a recipe for the vegetarian (eggless) version of an omelette. The photos have been taken and the recipe written out. Just need to put it together. Please bear with me and it will be up soon.

World Breast-Feeding week

August 1-7 is world breast-feeding week. Since I dont have a baby of my own and so cannot share my experiences, I would like to just take a moment to talk about something that I learned recently.

Someone I know, who recently had a baby was having alot of trouble breastfeeding. It apparently hurt like hell and after about a week of trying once a day (and the rest of the time bottle-feeding) she gave up and asked the doctor for medication to stop her milk. I hadn't known you could do that.

This prompted me to do some reading. I had previously read about the benefits of breastfeeding and when my turn comes to have a baby, I don't want to be unprepared. I started researching about painful breastfeeding and what you can do to help. It turns out there are a few options.

First and most important is to see a lactation consultant. From what I've read, they are incredibly helpful and sometimes the problem is as simple as teaching your baby to latch correctly. If the latching technique is unsolvable, then there are silicone nipple shields that you can buy to help stop the pain and allow yourself time to heal if things become dry and cracked. It allows you to still breastfeed your baby. Speaking of dryness, there are special creams that you can use to help prevent that. If she still can't breastfeed, there are pumps that allow you to pump the milk and then bottle feed. The baby gets the benefit of breast milk and the mother does not suffer in the process.

If all of this does not work, then perhaps it would be time to stop breastfeeding. The last thing you want is to dread contact with your baby and to associate it with pain. Babies are sensitive to emotional atmosphere and you do not ever want him to feel unwanted/unloved.

Perhaps if my friend had been given this information, she would have continued to breastfeed. Or perhaps not. But at least then she would have known she had done everything possible and when others commented (read flamed) on her lack of breastfeeding she would have been able to say that she had tried everything and it was just not possible.

Knowledge is power, I just wish I had had the information to pass on to her earlier when it might have made a difference.

Silver Linings

The old cliché is there is always a silver lining hidden in every dark cloud. But when you are mired in that darkness, it is often difficult to find that lining. Everything happens for a reason and things happen according to Gods/Universes divine plan, I keep being told. And although I do believe that, while I was stuck in the dark it was incredibly hard to take comfort in it.

Recently, I read this post by Amy over at TTC Baby Blog. It is something that I think anyone who is going through a miscarriage or loss should read and take note of. For me, reading that post helped me to find my silver lining and restore my faith in the universe.
Perhaps my miscarriages and everything that happened after, was to make me appreciate what I had.

I am blessed to have a husband who would do anything for me, a beautiful home that I can call my own and a pair of doggies that love me unconditionally. I am still alive against incredible odds (for the second time in my life) and I still have hope for a child of my own. I have parents who gave me strength when mine was flagging and a network of family and friends that will always be there for me. To all of them, I say a huge thank you. I know it can't have been easy to watch my struggle with depression but you were always there, trying to help.

And I second what Amy said about never taking anything for granted when it comes to our future babies. Because we know how hard it was to get there, we will never ever take anything about them for granted. This point was driven home to me recently, as I watched a new mother basically hand off the responsibilities of caring for her baby to others in her family. It would make me crazy to see her not realising what a precious miracle she had, one that I would do anything for. To watch her not appreciate every single second she had with her baby and spend less time with him by choice, hurt me.

And then I realised that hidden within the pain was gift. When I do eventually have my baby, I will appreciate every second I have him. I will want to do as much as I can for him by myself. I will see him for what he is. A miracle that has come into my life. A blessing.

In Amy's words

"We have been conditioned to be the best parents on the face of the earth, and by that I feel lucky... "