Breathing

Breathing
~Prime Circle

Step back
Stop the world
Stop the time
It's always running
Just trying to catch my breath
Just trying to take it in
Unfold and calculate
Concentrate and reach for something

Here's to the good times
The bad times
The times that could have been
To the wrong times
The right times
I know we'll breathe again
Until then...
Until then...

[Chorus]
Suppose that we got older
Suppose that we'd begin
Suppose that I stopped running
It could begin again
Suppose in life we made it
I'm never looking back
I'm never looking back

The hardest part of letting go
Not easy to believe
And sometimes you'll just never know
Gets harder to perceive
You're gone
You're long gone
[Chorus]
I know you can see it, now
Can't feel it, after all
Seems it's us versus time
Think we made up our minds
All that's left is just to see

[Chorus] x2

Here's to the good times
The bad times
The times that could have been...

TMI - Attractiveness and Body Image brain dump

So, things were going ok for awhile and then BAM .. trouble hits paradise once again. This is definitely a TMI post so please come back another day if its going to wierd you out.

But first for the background
I have never been, by anyones definition, a thin girl. I have curves. Lots of them. My figure is more like the classic hourglass figures of the 50's than the pencil thin muscled beauties of today.

1955 beauty pagaent contestants

Elizabeth Montgomery, Dick York and Lisa Seagram

Megan Fox

 When I first met hubby and we started going out, he used to try to nudge me into doing more excercise and to "get fit" as he called it. He used to say that I needed lose weight (at the time was at the smallest my body had ever been and I used to still hide my curves beneath jeans and loose t-shirts). I was self-conscious since the beauty standards of today call for a body that is virtually androgynous. Add in PCOS and you see where this is going. I am slightly overweight, I battle hairiness constantly and I am sensitive to sugar. Teenage boys being what they are, I was generally rejected as a potential girlfriend and made fun of until hubby.

Gradudation Day

We moved past this and he learned to stop mentioning these things since it upset me (knowing as I do that no matter how much I diet and exercise, my body frame will not lend itself to being "thin").

Wedding Day

Fast forward to our wedding and honeymoon and we discover that we have bedroom issues. I tried to be supportive to ensure that he never feels judged in the hope that the problem was more of a psychological one than anything else. We tried treatments (that helped for a while) but none of them were long term solutions. Two and a half years into our marriage, we were still experiencing problems and after trying everything I could think of, I finally suggested we see a therapist. And thats when hubby tells me that he is doing something thats affecting our sex life and he can't stop.

So suffice to say that we had problems. I started to blame myself and couldn't get out of my mind the issues he had previously had with my body. Surely, he wouldn't be doing what he was if I was good enough for him in the bedroom? We started seeing a therapist who helped put things into perspective for him and he managed to stop. Things were better for a little while and we started trying for a baby. I lost my first baby (a chemical pregnancy they said) and then a few months later lost the second (which I almost didn't survive). Of course, being pregnant and losing your child does things to your body. I gained about 4kg and have an ugly scar.

Once my body healed and it was time to try to get back to our normal lives, it was harder to get back into the swing of things in the bedroom. I was still suffering depression from losing my babies and trying to work through the trauma I had gone through. So I let things slide even more.

But now that I'm feeling alot more in control of myself and my emotions, this issue has raised its ugly head once again. I am once again left feeling unwanted, and unattractive since my own husband does not want to touch me. I feel sad and upset and angry that I am not good enough, not beautiful enough, not thin enough. I feel hurt that he refuses to initiate anything with me and am angry that I am forced to ask. It makes me feel like I am forcing him to touch me when he would rather not. I have no idea how to solve this and we had a big fight about it on christmas day when he chose to rather sit and play a computer game than be with me.

Hello, my name is "Me" and I have body image issues and feel completely unattractive and ugly.

Behind Blue Eyes
~Limp Bizkit

No one knows what it's like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes
And no one knows
What it's like to be hated
To be fated to telling only lies

[Chorus:]
But my dreams they aren't as empty
As my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That's never free

No one knows what its like
To feel these feelings
Like i do, and i blame you!
No one bites back as hard
On their anger
None of my pain and woe
Can show through

[Chorus]

Discover l.i.m.p. say it [x4]
No one knows what its like
To be mistreated, to be defeated
Behind blue eyes
No one knows how to say
That they're sorry and don't worry
I'm not telling lies

[Chorus]

No one knows what its like
To be the bad man, to be the sad man
Behind blue eyes.