So thats my story... Thats what happened. For the past 2 months, I have been battling depression, struggling to make sense of this, and just trying to survive. To heal. I think I'm on the right path now. I no longer have emotional storms at the mention of other peoples babies or of them being pregnant. It is no longer the first thing I think about when I wake in the morning, nor is it the last thing I think of when going to bed.
Does this mean I am moving on? Am i moving forward out of the dark? I guess so. Writing it out helped. I wasn't ready to, before. But now, just being able to put my feelings down into words, has given me a little peace. The intense fear that held me in its grip is also subsiding a little. Part of that, I think, is due to the fact that I O'd this month for the first time since the surgery and AF came as well. My body seems to be trying to get back to business as usual and so I'm alot calmer.
It may sound strange, but my dog Blaze also helped. He was born blind in one eye and hes never let that stop him from doing anything that his sister Shadow does. He may be a little more timid about it, but he'll still try. Last week his bad eye became infected and the vet said it had to be removed. The operation happened yesterday. Even though he is scared of the vet, and even though he sensed that something was going on, he remained calm and was stoic about getting into the car without Shadow. When he got to the vet, he didnt panic.
And this morning, when he was finally himself (after the anaesthetic finally wore off), he was trying to play and run around with Shadow as if he hadn't just had a traumatic experience. He just accepted what had happened and is making the best of it. Even with the cone around his head. Even with the stitches still around his eyesocket. He is trying to move forward.
With him as an example, how can i do any less?
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