Protecting vs Smothering

Being a parent is hard. There are so many ways you could screw up your child, it terrifies me. Take, for instance, my current dilemma. I have pretty strong OCD tendencies and am a fairly detail-oriented person. While these personality traits have been helpful in certain aspects of my life, they have also been detrimental in others. They flip into negative qualities very easily.

So when I see those same traits manifesting in my beautiful child, I’m left wondering what to do. I never ever want her to feel like she isn’t enough or perfect to me just as she is. But at the same time, I want to protect her from a world that does not accept or respect people with these kind of idiosyncrasies. People who are different. People who are not identical to the cookie cutter cut-out that is viewed as “normal”. 

So when I see her mirroring some of the same compulsions I have managed to hide or repress or disguise, I don’t know whether to feel a spurt of pride that she is like me, or fear that she is.  Then I wonder what if perhaps the wonderful combination of traits that is uniquely her isn’t exactly what the world needs. As a mother, I am pulled in two very strong very opposing forces in every decision I make. I want my child to fly, to be the very best version of herself she can possibly be. But opposing that is my need to protect her from the slings and arrows of a world that has already dealt harshly with me.

“She will never go through what I did!” I once swore passionately, overflowing with love for this tiny beautiful creature who had somehow come from me. But I refuse to clip her wings with fear. I won’t destroy her by smothering her with my protection. I want her to be strong. I want her to be confident and self-assured. I want her to live and learn and make mistakes and have towering victories. None of that will happen if I give in to my protective instincts. 

But there is still that little whisper inside. “What if I can save her from even one iota of the pain I have gone through?” Is it not my duty as her mother to protect her? How can I just stand back and do nothing? Should I not be teaching her what the world will and will not accept?

But in trying to give her these tools to protect herself, would I be protecting her or making her feel inadequate? Sometimes we do the most harm in trying to avoid it. Sometimes we cause more pain by trying to guard against it. 

And maybe the world has changed? What if my being in it has indefinably changed my little part of the world? What if all of us in our generation have changed the world simply by being in it. What if the changes we have wrought would have been enough to ensure that her differences are celebrated instead of reviled? It has often been said that our generation places more emphasis on individuality and personal fulfillment. Perhaps this focus will be enough. It will have to be. All I can think to do is, stand here, ready to comfort, to shower her with love and acceptance, if the world has not changed enough. The risk that it hasn’t is not worth the sacrifice of all that she could be.