Note: This post veered off from its planned content. Never fear, I will pick up the loose threads in a future post.
So I know things have been quiet on the blog front lately, and those of you waiting with bated breath for the next pearls of wisdom to drop from my pen, have been patient enough. There have been many things that I have been coming to grips with over the past 2 years that I haven't felt able to blog about. Hence the silence. The odd post here and there have given hints of it, hints that all has not been well, but for the most part I have stayed silent on the topic.
Part of that was probably denial. If I don't talk about it here, the place where I have bared my soul and shared my pain, then its not real. Part of it was also anxiety and embarrassment.
You see, when I started this thing, I had only a few readers, people who knew everything anyway or random strangers who stumbled here. It was a private-public expression of the madness in my head. Since then, however, my readership has grown to include people who know me personally and yet don't know me at all. And people whose good opinion matters greatly to me. And also people who I fear my words will wound unnecessarily.
This led to some soul searching as to what can I really say on here. Can I really rip off the masks and bare my soul when I know people are watching? And if I cant, is there really a point to this blog? This was supposed to be the one place where I was the most authentic version of myself. Where I have no need of masks to hide behind. Where I can be me and damn the consequences.
I have been struggling with this question for a while and I have come to realize that if you, my readers, keep coming back here, its because you want to know the true me. If you have gotten to this point with me without running screaming into the night, then don't I own it to you not to don the mask once more? Don't I owe it to myself to see if the true authentic me is worth more than the dozens of masks I continuously wear?
Do any of you love me for me, exactly as I am at my core, at the deepest recesses of my mind and heart? Am I enough? Just me, no shields, no masks, no "happy face"?
So I know things have been quiet on the blog front lately, and those of you waiting with bated breath for the next pearls of wisdom to drop from my pen, have been patient enough. There have been many things that I have been coming to grips with over the past 2 years that I haven't felt able to blog about. Hence the silence. The odd post here and there have given hints of it, hints that all has not been well, but for the most part I have stayed silent on the topic.
Part of that was probably denial. If I don't talk about it here, the place where I have bared my soul and shared my pain, then its not real. Part of it was also anxiety and embarrassment.
You see, when I started this thing, I had only a few readers, people who knew everything anyway or random strangers who stumbled here. It was a private-public expression of the madness in my head. Since then, however, my readership has grown to include people who know me personally and yet don't know me at all. And people whose good opinion matters greatly to me. And also people who I fear my words will wound unnecessarily.
This led to some soul searching as to what can I really say on here. Can I really rip off the masks and bare my soul when I know people are watching? And if I cant, is there really a point to this blog? This was supposed to be the one place where I was the most authentic version of myself. Where I have no need of masks to hide behind. Where I can be me and damn the consequences.
I have been struggling with this question for a while and I have come to realize that if you, my readers, keep coming back here, its because you want to know the true me. If you have gotten to this point with me without running screaming into the night, then don't I own it to you not to don the mask once more? Don't I owe it to myself to see if the true authentic me is worth more than the dozens of masks I continuously wear?
Do any of you love me for me, exactly as I am at my core, at the deepest recesses of my mind and heart? Am I enough? Just me, no shields, no masks, no "happy face"?
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